The Todos Santos Horse Race - 11.1.06
Looking back on the Todos Santos horse race – by far one of the most notable events during my time in Guatemala – I still waffle between being completely amused by it and extremely saddened.
After more than a year, I’ve finally given up on trying to resolve those two sentiments. With that behind me, I was able to patch up the essay I wrote about that day.
(Check out the video I took of the crazy spectacle.)
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The night before the race, the riders were gathered for the feast at the Captain’s house....
...Outside the house, friends and family members stumbled about in the dark street, dancing to the beat of marimba music. Everyone involved in the festivities was drunk. I mean drunk. Slippy slappy, soup-sandwich, sing-a-song-sally drunk. Deeeeeeee-runk.
A sizable crowd of mostly-sober spectators formed a ring around the dancers. They watched somberly as the revelers explored the outer reaches of intoxication. The bystanders were as stone-faced as statues; it was impossible to tell what they thought of the two teenage boys who were trying desperately, and unsuccessfully, to locate and then fight each other. Nor was it clear how they viewed the man who relieved himself in the middle of the circle or the mother who toddled about between the fighters and dancers, holding a liter bottle of Gallo.
The mother squawked when a small posse of male relatives entered the circle to pull her away from the music. The crowd parted calmly for her departure, and watched silently as she fell in the street and threw a tantrum, waving a bottle at her captors.
The marimba players were tucked against the side of the house under the thin light of a single bulb. They calmly proceeded through a series of songs that I couldn't distinguish. The rails of a wooden fence protected them from the flailings of the dancers.
Just to their right, Civil Patrol officers guarded the house and the team of riders. They weren’t drunk yet, but they had a bottle of moonshine sitting by their feet, ready to open the moment their shift was over.
*****
The early morning air was tart as we strolled towards the race on a street, which degraded into a track, which dwindled into a path, which wound through back yards, next to chicken coops, and under clotheslines.
The locals we encountered laughed at how lost we were, but kindly pointed the way down into he next gully and the way up the other side.
Against my better judgment, I was wearing the traditional red pants of the Todos Santos men which Nicole has somehow convinced me to buy. Despite my disguise, the locals still deduced that I was a foreigner.
We arrived at the track a half an hour early. Almost no one else was there. Not the riders, not the crowd. Just a handful of race coordinators trying to figure out how to swing the log that would let riders on and off the course. As we waited for the town to arrive I helped a man build a small fence to keep the crowd from walking all over his land.
By 8:05 a dozen or so of the riders were ready to go, and that, apparently, was good enough. Somebody started blowing a whistle, a few of the riders started screaming, the wooden gate was lowered, and 14 exceptionally drunk men hurtled down the road, jackhammering their manhood into the backs of their terrified steeds.
Miraculously, the first sprint down the road didn’t produce any fatalities, but on the run back to the starting log, we witnessed the first fall of the day. A few spectators rushed to help the fallen man, about whom three things were apparent: First, he had escaped without injury. Second, he had never before been on a horse, and would never be on one again. Third, he had absolutely no concept of who he was, or what was going on, or what the hell all the yelling was about, or why he wasn’t being allowed to just lie there and sleep.
My favorite rider was a man who lost his shoe in the tumble. He was clearly the drunkest rider, so for the rest of the day we referred to him as Ol’ Drunky. He needed a team of rescuers to heave him back on his incredibly patient pony. His rescuers parked him near a fence so that he could hold onto it for dear life while an assistant put his shoe back on.
Another favorite was Ol’ No Hands, so named for his insatiable desire to ride without holding on to the rains. He was easy to pick out of the crowd because he shrilled a high-pitched ‘oy!’ every time he reencountered the saddle.
There was also Ol’ Over, a man who somehow found a way - within his first 4 seconds on the course - to bounce FORWARD out of the saddle until he was straddling the neck of his poor horse, who was so embarrassed that she simply stopped running. She stood there in the middle of the course, crimson with shame, until bystanders returned her rider to the saddle.
Ol’ Whippy wasn’t a rider, but he sure helped out by whipping all the horses at the start of their sprint to make sure that they were hustling. The only time I saw him abandon this vital task was when he turned to whip a nearby young man who was selling cotton candy to some children.
Other riders slowly joined the fray, but there were never more than 25 riders on the track at one time. Some quit entirely after the first couple of runs, while others took frequent breaks.
*****
We left the race after two hours. It was no longer a novelty to be surrounded by a sea of drunks. Plus, we had heard that no buses would be running the next day and we wanted to be on our way to San Cristobal.
On our way back to the hotel, we wound thru crowds of drunk boys fighting each other in the streets. Passed out men are everywhere – some collapsed in doorways, others in the street. Some had family members or friends sitting nearby, watching over them.
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No chicken buses were coming through town, so we jumped a microbus to Tres Calles and then hitched a ride with a family to Huehuetenango. Along the way, some boys pointed out where a delivery truck had slid off the road and plummeted into the valley. You could see the frame still stuck in the trees.
I asked the boys what had happened and they said the driver simply took the corner too fast. He was killed in the wreck.
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The next day, we caught a bus north toward the Mexican border. We rode along the banks of a river in a steep ravine. Above the road, I saw a corn field on an incline of at least 45% judging from the angle of the trees.
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MORE DETAILS REGARDING THE RACE
History. When the Spanish arrived in the new world, they brought civilization, genocide, disease, Christianity, and horses. Their horses gave them a distinct strategic advantage over the local armies. The Spanish certainly didn’t want to surrender this advantage, so for 300 years they prohibited the villagers of Todos Santos from having anything to do with the animals. They couldn’t touch them, much less ride them.
Then, 200 years ago, the men of Todos Santos hosted a race to demonstrate that they were willing and able to ride horses. Every year since, during the All Saint’s festival, hundreds of men from the village have demonstrated their bravery and their defiance of outsiders by riding horses.
The Race is Not a Race. The riders aren’t racing per se. They’re just galloping their horses back and forth on a 300-meter stretch of dirt road for 7 hours. It’s like an unending drag race, except there’s not even a clear starting time. Instead, once most of the riders have reached one side of the course, one rider – almost certainly, the drunkest – gives a whoop and takes off in the opposite direction. The others follow… or don’t.
And there are no winners because the race is just a symbolic battle against outside influence, rather than an actual competition.
The Meaning is Not the Meaning. In theory, by partaking in the race the men of Todos Santos are proudly defying colonial influence. But in reality, the race is now just an excuse to get schnookered and impress the neighbors. It’s sort of like what has happened with Christmas in America. For quite some time it was a very reverent event. Now, for many people, it’s just about presents.
Hertz for Horses. They don’t have many horses in the valley, so they rent them. This adds to the us/them symbolism, as each local rider has his own, personal, outsider to master. Here’s what I found interesting: in the rental contract, if the horse dies or is injured while not being raced, the rider is held responsible. Seems right. But get this, if the horse dies DURING the race, the rider is NOT held responsible. The equivalent of this is as follows: I rent a convertible and am held liable for damages to the car while parking and filling up with gas, but not for any damages that occur while participating in a smashup derby. Of course, the price for such a completely stupid contract is incredibly high. Riders often pay 2,000 Quetzales to rent such horses. In comparison, 80% of the Guatemalan population lives on less than 5,600 Quetzales per year.
Oh Captain, My Captain. There are no winners, but that doesn’t stop the locals from forming teams. Each team consists of
• a Captain
• a 2nd Captain
• 2 Lieutenants called – for some reason - the 1st and 2nd monkey
• Anywhere from 5 to 15 plain riders.
The forming of teams seems to be an exercise in social politics. There are captains who are well respected and have a lot of sway locally. Riders rush to join their teams for prestige and schmoozing opportunities. Meanwhile the other, less popular, captains are seeking to improve their social standing by using cash to build a network and accumulate prestige.
It’s the Economy, Stupid. By the time the festival is over, a captain may very well have spent over 15,000 Q to support his team. Again, 80% of Guatemalans live on 5,600 per year. The price is so high that now only the wealthy villagers and those who have relatives in the US have the funds to participate. As a result, the number of riders has plummeted. Previously there were hundreds of riders in each race. This year, there were 54 riders.
Alcohol: The Cause of - and Solution to - All of Life’s Problems. The night before the race, the team gathers at the Captain’s house for a feast where they get drunk. They riders drink because they know that they may well die in the race tomorrow. Of course, the only reason they would ever die is if they got so drunk that they fell out of the saddle and were trampled. (Smacking of forehead.)
The Morning of the Race. At 5am, after a sleepless night, the riders are assigned their horses and off they go with their noble steed to share one last meal with their families. At home they drink more. And then the family helps them get dressed.
The Value of a Man. You might think this is incalculable, but it’s not. During the race, one dead rider = one good year of crops.
Nice Sash. Each rider wears his traditional uniform plus a red sash to symbolize the energy in their blood and a plumbed hat with streamers that symbolizes the quetzal bird.
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