People, I need help.
I'm getting cooked INTO. THE. GROUND. Just getting totally dominated in the kitchen.
It's not fair:
a) Nicole LIKES to cook
b) She was scarfing up recipes the whole time she was traveling in Africa and the Middle East.
Me? I once spent a month eating nothing but hot dogs for both lunch AND dinner. 36 hot dogs per week on average. I'm not kidding. And that was one of the most satisfying months of my life. I LOVED it. Hot dogs with salsa, hot dogs with pasta sauce, hot dogs with ketchup, hot dogs with a different type of salsa... all washed down by an endless fount of Creme Soda. It was awesome. My mouth is watering now just thinking about it...
...which is the problem. My whole life I've been satisfied by whatever stupid morsel of food I accidentally created in the kitchen. If it's warm and cheesy I love it, so why bother working to create something fancier?
So now I'm stuck with the cooking repertoire of a 12-year-old latch-key kid.
She's all, "I was thinking about cooking up some (insert some foreign word here) chicken in a reduction sauce and a curry for supper," And my best counter punch is, "yeah, or I could do up some hot pockets..."
There's just no contest here.
So far, we've worked through this OK. She understands that I'm a nincompoop in the kitchen, and she has agreed to teach me (or, rather, agreed not to prevent me from watching her work her magic spells) and is fine with letting me eat the proceeds if I take care of all clean-up activities. She kindly claims to like cooking all the time.
But I'd like to also contribute in the kitchen in some meaningful way. So, help me. Send me recipes. Easy ones. Involving hot dogs if possible.
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SOS: Send Recipes |
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West to East Via Photos and Captions |
From whence I came.
About 6 seconds into the trip we started taking "cool dudes" shots. Like, here we are, 2 cool dudes on the road, living the dream, completely free, totally untethered...
...except for that one huge metallic tether.
Eastern Oregon
Smitty: "You know what this place needs? Statues. Really, really big statues. Like the ones they have in The Lord of the Rings."
Me: "Yup."
Like the Magi, we were guided by a star. Unlike the Magi, we were also guided by a purple ball and some sort of fish. They kept telling us to go forward.
That lead to a nice riff on what the heck a goldfish could possibly be thinking in his tiny little brain."He's got to be just swimming around his little bowl thinking, 'Hey! There's a castle in here! When did they put that in here?
Hey guys, have you seen there's a castle in here? Gosh, I wonder what's inside. I bet there's a King and every...
...You know what I like? Swimming. You guys want to go for a swim? Cool. Let's all swim.
Counterclockwise, eh? Sweet. Yeah, clockwise is sweet too.
Holy crap, there's a castle in here! You guys want to swim through that castle? I wonder when they put that in here.
Swim swim swim! SUUUUUUWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!
A castle! Man. I never thought I'd get to see one of those up close. Hey there, Mr. Castle, want to swim? No? Not a swimmer? Hey, have you heard they put a castle in here? Oh, right. Of course you have! Ha! So, how about a swim then?"
At some point Smitty said, "Boy, those colors are awesome." And I said, "WHAT colors?" That's when we realized that we had totally different views of the world, and the reason we had totally different views was because of our sunglasses.
Mine:
His.
No idea where this is.
Swim swim swim.
Castle!
Somewhere out west we encountered a herd of wild mules, which lead to the question: does it still count as being wild if no one wants to tame you? And that was kind of sad, thinking of those poor mules, living out in the middle of nowhere, and all they want is for someone to stop, throw open the back door of the sedan, and invite them home for a nice turkey dinner.
If they could only write, they'd be standing by the side of the road with placards that read, "Please Take Us Home. We'll Do Tricks.”
The moon rising as we approach Salt Lake City.
Ah... springtime in Wyoming. All the ashen trees are in bloom, and the mud birds are heralding the blossoming of the first sepia flowers. And the rains have come, transforming the barren land into a rippling cascade of khaki, russet, and taupe.
Get me the hell out of here.
Colorado!
Helen, meet the world. World, Helen. Helen was our host in Boulder, CO. She gave us wine and tacos. My friend Marcia was there too, and gave us a bag of G.O.R.P.Side note: Helen has two 15-pound cats. Marcia has one 25-pound cat. If they ever fought, my money would be on the two smaller cats. I've seen Marcia's cat in action. Not a drop of fight in him. He's a big, fat, wuss.
Eastern Colorado.
Way back when we left Oregon - all of 2.5 days ago - we shared a goodbye breakfast with two of my professors at the Oregon Extension. One thing Smitty and I took away from that morning's conversation: the song of this one sort of duck (maybe a Wood Duck?) is "Squeee! Squeee! Kip kip kip!"
So Smitty decided that it would be a barometer of our friendship during the trip. Whenever one of us yelled out, "Squeee! Squeee!" the other person had to answer with, "Kip kip kip!" As long as squeee was answered with kip, our friendship was secure. Failure to kip meant there was trouble in paradise.
Not a bad system, really.
It was somewhere in Iowa that we got to talking about the relative strength of Smitty's various body odors, and how if you looked hard enough you could actually see the smells wafting up from certain parts of his body like horrible genies.
Then we talked ourselves through a battle between his armpit odor-genie and his foot odor-genie, wherein his armpit genie was fighting with a big stick of salami, and his foot genie was armed with a rotting fish. I forget who won.
After a long day on the road, we were warmly welcomed in Des Moines by Nicole's parents, Mike and Kim, and their 8 cats. They gave us pizza! They also gave us a u-haul worth of things to DC.
One thing to think about on your next road trip: how much barbed wire is there in the US? My guess, shooting straight from the hip, is 500,000 miles of barbed wire.
Things to consider:
- The US is roughly 3,000 miles across and 1,200 miles from north to south (give or take.)
- The Northeast is not heavily fenced, nor are urban areas.
- Each fence usually consists of at least three strands.
Castle!
The cool dudes ride again. I think this was about the point in the trip where Smitty told me about his friend who was such a prude that his worst swearword was "dipcrap."
We met The Mellon (note the size of his head) in Chicago. While we ate pulled-pork sandwiches, he told us a great story about almost being arrested last month for stealing a car from the dealership he worked for. The title of the story is APB on the Mellon.
Sunset in the rear view mirror as we race towards Cleveland.
We got tired... and went a little loopy.
The next morning, we awoke to this. For a clue has to how I'm feeling about this situation, compare this photo to the photo at the top of this post.
All tuckered out.
Still, we arrived safely.
2,891 miles in 4.5 days.
Squeee! Squeee!
Kip kip kip!
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Goodbye, Mr. Vonnegut |
One of our best writers, and one of my heroes, just died.
Thanks for everything, Mr. Vonnegut.
This excerpt is from Slaughterhouse-Five:
...It was a movie about American bombers in the Second World War and the men who flew them. Seen backwards by Billy, the story went like this:
American planes, full of holes and wounded men and corpses took off backwards from an airfield in England. Over France, a few German fighter planes flew at them backwards, sucked bullets and shell fragments from some of the planes and crewmen. They did the same for wrecked American bombers on the ground, and those planes flew up backwards to join the formation.
The formation flew backwards over a German city that was in flames. The bombers opened their bomb bay doors, exerted a miraculous magnetism which shrunk the fires, gathered them into cylindrical steel containers, and lifted the containers into the bellies of the planes. The containers were stored neatly in racks. The Germans below had miraculous devices of their own, which were long steel tubes. They used them to suck more fragments from the crewmen and planes. But there were still a few wounded Americans, though, and some of the bombers were in bad repair. Over France, though, German fighters came up again, made everything and everybody as good as new.
When the bombers got back to their base, the steel cylinders were taken from the racks and shipped back to the United States of America, where factories were operating night and day, dismantling the cylinders, separating the dangerous contents into minerals. Touchingly, it was mainly women who did this work. The minerals were then shipped to specialists in remote areas. It was their business to put them into the ground, to hide them cleverly, so they would never hurt anybody ever again.
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Culture of Corruption, Impunity in Guatemala |
Below is a Washington Post article reporting on the activities of the oh-so-honorable Guatemalan police forces.
Thanks to Nicole for passing it on.
The original article can be found here.
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Linked Killings Undercut Trust In Guatemala
Culture of Corruption, Impunity Exposed
By Manuel Roig-Franzia
Washington Post Foreign Service
Friday, March 23, 2007; A10
GUATEMALA CITY -- It began with four charred bodies on a dirt road.
The victims had been kidnapped, investigators concluded, and two of them burned alive. The men who were found that day in February on a ranch outside Guatemala City turned out to be three Salvadoran politicians and their chauffeur. Among them was Eduardo D'Aubuisson, son of Roberto D'Aubuisson, the late founder of El Salvador's ruling party and the alleged architect of death squads in the Salvadoran civil war.
Three days later, four Guatemalan policemen were accused of the killings and arrested. Three days after that, with international attention trained on this country, the officers' throats were slashed and they were shot in their cells. The prison murders have not been solved.
The back-to-back sets of killings -- each chillingly professional and brazen -- are exposing the depth of corruption and impunity in a nation still struggling to right itself 11 years after the end of more than three decades of civil war. "A Pandora's box" is opening, said Salvadoran police chief Rodrigo Avila.
Over the past several weeks, some of Guatemala's most powerful political figures have been forced to acknowledge that their government and criminal justice system are deeply infiltrated by organized crime. Human rights activists have responded by blaming the corrupting influence of drug traffickers, who make fortunes funneling up to 300 metric tons of cocaine to the United States each year.
"It's a paradise for organized crime," Anders Kompass, the U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights representative in Guatemala, said in an interview. "The state apparatus is weak. The impunity rate is very high. This has shown that organized crime has penetrated at a much higher level than we ever thought."
Guatemala has one of the highest murder rates in Latin America, with 30 killings for every 100,000 residents in 2005, according to the Observatory of Violence and Crime, which the United Nations set up in Honduras. Few of the 5,000 killings in the country each year are solved, and there is scant hope here that the full truth about last month's assassinations will be known any time soon. The question now is, whom can the public trust?
On Tuesday, the Guatemalan Congress overwhelmingly approved a no-confidence motion against Interior Minister Carlos Vielmann, whose domain includes prisons. Now President Oscar Berger must decide whether to remove Vielmann from office or launch a battle with Congress by vetoing the decision.
Meanwhile, Congress has stonewalled a U.N. proposal to create an independent commission to investigate corruption in Guatemala. Vielmann, a wealthy businessman who is fighting to keep a job and a paycheck he says he does not need, said in an interview that he supports the U.N. proposal.
Speculation about the killings last month has stoked a public clamor for answers here and in neighboring El Salvador, as well as a number of conspiracy theories.
"People don't want to believe that the reality is simpler, more ironic and more stupid," Guatemala's national police chief, Erwin Sperisen, a Vielmann ally, said in an interview. "It wasn't a great conspiracy. It was a series of coincidental events. But the people don't want to believe. They want a soap opera, a spy drama, a James Bond movie."
In the weeks since the killings, government officials have outlined their version of events: The politicians were kidnapped Feb. 19 on their way to a meeting in Guatemala City of the Central American Parliament, a regional planning body of which all three were elected members. Guatemalan policemen killed them but were soon caught, in part because a global satellite positioning system in their car placed them at the scene of the crime, 20 miles outside Guatemala City, according to this version.
The police officers might have been hit men tricked into believing that the Salvadoran politicians were Colombian drug dealers posing as representatives to the parliament, Sperisen said. A political motive in El Salvador could not be discounted, nor could a link between the Salvadorans and drug dealers, he said. Four new suspects with alleged links to drug trafficking were arrested Tuesday and accused of ordering the killings.
Sperisen and Avila, the Salvadoran police chief, said the slain Guatemalan officers had confessed, although Sperisen noted the obvious: "They can't repeat their declarations." The alleged admissions have been widely reported in the news media, but attorneys for the four officers painted a different picture.
"They said they were innocent," Carlos Pocon said of his clients, the slain officers Jose Korki Lopez Arreaga, Jose Adolfo Gutierrez and Marvin Langen Escobar Mendez.
Alfredo Vasquez, the attorney for Luis Arturo Herrera Lopez, called the officers "scapegoats," who had been killed to cover up the identity of the real assassins.
"The atmosphere here makes it seem like my clients were responsible, as if they were devils," Vasquez said. "But there was no confession, and that alarms me."
The other murders -- those of the officers themselves -- are still muddied by conflicting reports. They were transferred from a lockup in Guatemala City to the maximum-security El Boqueron prison, about 40 miles east of the city, without their lawyers being notified, Vasquez said. Witnesses have said that gunmen sneaked into El Boqueron with visitors and killed the officers. But Sperisen said he believes the killers came from inside the prison. It's unlikely, he said, that the killers could have gotten past, or even co-opted, three rings of security -- the army, the police and the prison guards.
A riot broke out after the killings, and the prison warden and several guards were taken hostage, Sperisen said. The warden, as well as more than 20 other men -- mostly guards -- have been arrested, but no one has been charged with the murders, Sperisen said.
This month, one of Sperisen's top aides, Javier Figueroa, resigned and left Guatemala with his family for Costa Rica. Figueroa, who was a gynecologist before taking a high-ranking police job, played a key role in arresting the four officers and now fears for his life, Sperisen said. But with so many questions swirling about the case, Figueroa's abrupt departure generated speculation that he had something to hide.
"It's a question of perceptions," said Kompass, the U.N. official.
The case has also become entangled in presidential politics ahead of an election due in September. Otto Perez Molina, a candidate who served as a general during a devastating civil war, filed a complaint against Vielmann for allegedly allowing two officially sanctioned death squads to operate within the nation's security forces.
"He knew what was happening and he did nothing," Perez Molina said in an interview.
Perez Molina -- who Vielmann says is "playing politics" -- accuses the elite Criminal Investigation Division of operating as a death squad in a campaign of "social cleansing," killing small-time drug dealers to eliminate competition for major drug traffickers. Guatemala's independent human rights attorney general, the Catholic Church and the University of San Carlos of Guatemala this month demanded that the division be disbanded.
Sperisen, a 6-foot-2-inch, 280-pound former Guatemala City official with a shock of bright orange hair, does not deny that there is corruption in his forces. He estimated that he could easily fire 10 percent of his 19,500 officers if Guatemalan law did not require a lengthy appeals process. Vielmann estimated that 40 percent of the police should be fired. As calls grow for both men to resign, they are portraying themselves as reformers.
Vielmann, who acknowledges police have been hired for mafia-style hits, talked of "a titanic battle" against corruption. More than 1,000 police officers have been fired in the past 2 1/2 years, he said, and 250 are in jail. Still, Sperisen said, "it's almost impossible to clean up the force."
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Guatemalan policeman described a highly structured shakedown and payoff system. Police officers bully business owners into paying bribes, he said, and the bribes are split with supervisors, who withhold promotions if rank-and-file officers don't deliver.
Narco-traffickers sometimes pay $4,000 to $5,000 or more each month to ensure their shipments get through, the officer said.
"They break people," he added. "There are officers who are 10 percent corrupt who become 100 percent corrupt."
Helen Mack, a Salvadoran rights activist, said there is "total impunity" in Guatemala.
Mack's sister, an anthropologist, was murdered on Sept. 11, 1990, shortly after publishing a study accusing government forces of massacring Mayan Indians during the civil war. A member of Guatemala's presidential guard was convicted of stabbing Myrna Mack 27 times outside her office in the middle of the day.
It took more than 13 years for Helen Mack to persuade Guatemala's supreme court to convict Army Col. Juan Valencia Osorio of ordering the killing. But in January 2004, days after his 30-year sentence was reinstated, Valencia fled. Mack says he was aided by a special military unit. He remains a fugitive.
Still, she said, the truth came out, and in Guatemala that means something.
Vasquez, the attorney, is not expecting answers about the killings of the Salvadoran politicians and the Guatemalan policemen, the case now roiling his country, any faster than Mack got hers.
"We might know the truth," Vasquez said, "in 20 years."
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The Cemetery - 10.31.2006 |
The celebration won’t happen here for two more days, but already people are preparing for the return of their ancestors. They are painting the family graves in bright pastels or, occasionally, like American flags. They are decorating them with flowers and streamers and burning candles. They have brought tortillas and bottles of rum and Coca-Cola for their loved ones to eat.
Tonight the drinking begins, and tomorrow is the horse race, and the next day the cemetery will be overrun with photographers and film crews, tourists and pickpockets, the families and the dead. It’s best to prepare the graves now, before the rush.
There is a quiet spot to write at a balcony on the edge of the cemetery, away from the trash that is drifting between the concrete tombs, and away from the bustle of the family members. I settle in.
There is a small creek a hundred meters distant from that quiet spot at the edge of the cemetery. The land drops away from me to meet the water. As it falls, it carries a small field of corn on its back.
There are muted sounds from distant dogs and distant roosters, and the soft, muffled screams of children on the Ferris wheels. Occasionally, a firecracker explodes far overhead and its echo rolls grumbling up the slopes. A few moments after each explosion there is a wave of aristocratic tinkling as tiny pieces of the bomb drift onto tin roofs. But mostly there is just the wind walking through the crisp leaves of old corn.
It is harvest time now, or it will be very, very soon.
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For more photos from the cemetery, click here.
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